?

Am I no good at anything? Maybe. Probably. Likely. I'll just go hide in the wilderness where no one can find me and live my life alone.

Blarggg

If I have another boyfriend say that he would prefer that I were 6 to 10 inches taller and completely physically different than I am, I WILL start to develop a complex.

That is all for now.

Ben Kweller Returns to Brooklyn

...at least for one night...

So, I just saw the greatest concert of my life thus far. I wasn't sure what to expect from Mr. Kweller since my last concert-going experience was disappointing, due to the heavily utilized lap steel guitar and the resulting southern twang to the music. Tonight however, was Ben Kweller at his best. The Ben Kweller that continually inspires me. It was just Ben, two acoustics guitars, and a piano on stage. He began taking requests from the audience, and then his son, Dorian shouted that he wanted to sing a song. The next few minutes were adorable (Dorian is like 4 years old). Apparently the kid loves singing "Iron Man". Ben kept taking requests from the audience until he invited Adam Green to come up for a few songs. They played one of the creepiest songs I've ever heard (Adam Green's), and then they played their version of Cocamo. He then played some more requests, and then invited up "C-dog", who, it ends up, is none other than Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes. Ben mentioned one awesome evening after Conor had moved to NYC, he invited Ben to play for one night in his band for their show at the Knitting Factory (where Baker St is playing in January!). He said it was so cool that he got to be part of Bright Eyes for one night. They played one epic song with a ridiculously awesome solo by Ben (it was some Bright Eyes song, I'm sure). Then Ben switched over to the piano for most of the rest of the concert. (He played Make It Up via request earlier) But the last two songs were Walk On Me and then (encore) Penny on the Train Tracks. His set on piano was Sha Sha (requested), Sawdust Man, Thirteen, Hospital Bed, and Falling. During Make It Up, the reverberations caused a glass next to the monitor to fall and smash right next to me, but it was still awesome.

Afterward I awkwardly bumped into and was squashed into Adam Green. Then I made my way over and saw Ben talking with fans. Finally, it was my turn and as I began by shaking his hand and saying "I just wanted to say 'thank you'", he interrupted me by playing with my hair, saying, "I like your curls." Finally I got out my speech. I said, "I found your music like 6 years ago, when I had stopped writing music. Listening to you got me to start writing again and now I'm a musician in New York. That's due to you and your music, so thank you." To which, he beckoned me in with a big hug and said, quite genuinely, "Thank you for that." I can't recall having such jitters at another moment in my life. I was so nervous to speak to him.

Basically, this was as perfect as the night could have gone in my realistic imagination (in my ridiculous imagination, Ben wants to listen to my music; and I eventually tour with him).

Overall, the benefit of this concert is that I feel reinvigorated in my passion for music. I was so close (smack dab center front) that I could see all the equipment he uses, and how his hand moves on the guitar. His guitar playing is so impressive and yet entirely my style. I learn from him. Being that close, and being a musician now, I can relate more to what he does, and I was even more impressed than before. I learned a lot from this concert. I think that I, too, am on my way.

Israel is the greatest, but now what am I going to do?

The title says it all. Exactly one month ago, I was in Israel with an amazing group of American tourists, Israeli students and soldiers, the best tour guide in history, and the most bad-ass medic carrying an antiquated gun. I had the most incredible time in Israel that I don't think I can adequately describe it in words. You all just need to trust me in the fact that most everything is just better in Israel. The food is all locally grown, products are invented and manufactured there (no outsourcing like here in the States), and security is taken seriously. I was really most excited about the food. It was the first time I was able to eat in a foreign country. I have life-threatening food allergies to peanuts, tree nuts, and milk products. The last of which are in everything. However, milk cannot be present with meat according to Jewish law. Therefore, I just had to avoid nuts which is, let me tell you, SO much easier. I got to see what my life would be like if I were just allergic to nuts. It would be nice and I would get very plump.

It was also a very intellectual trip, which I appreciated. I had been warned of the brainwashing that goes on during these Birthright trips. However, our tour made it very clear from the beginning that this was not an easy trip. We saw the heartbreaking aspects of Israeli society as well; the divisiveness among the population and even within smaller ethnic groups.

But now I'm back, and it's August (my least favorite month). I need to figure out what job/s I want to try this year. I'll keep updating.

Baker St has another show!

Come see my band, Baker St, play this Wednesday at 7pm at the Ace of Clubs (9 Great Jones St)! The set should run about 45 minutes and it's a new venue, so it's always exciting!

Oh, brain, why must you do that?

So, not to be entirely depressive, but do you ever hate yourself? I mean, as a general rule, I'm pretty satisfied with myself in spite of my lack of direction, a job, or an apartment without parents/siblings. However, there is one time I have noted distinctively and repeatedly despising myself: when I am in a relationship. I understand that this is an awful thing to say (sorry to any ex-boyfriends who may read this); but this is not about the other person. It is just me. Every time I've gotten out of a relationship, I have, eventually, felt the relief of returning to my natural state. Caring for someone else takes a great toll; especially when it is not reciprocated in full. Every time I have let myself care about someone, I always end up with the same realization: the person was not worth my time, and I had spent months bending myself to follow his every whim.

The real question I begin to ask myself is, why do I do this? I grew up in a pretty modern household. Both of my parents work full-time, lofty jobs. My mother and father both did the traditional "housewife" tasks necessary for the upkeep of our lives. In fact, my father probably cleaned the dishes and house ten times more than my mother had even thought of cleaning at all. My mother handles all of the finances. In reality, I guess the roles are almost switched. So, what makes me act like some pathetic, dependent, idiotic housewife when I'm in a relationship?

I don't really have an answer to that question, and it frustrates me. Perhaps I'm so convinced that the other person is going to stop caring about me, that I feel I have to keep convincing them to like me. Or, maybe I focus all of my energy on the other person to avoid thinking about things I need to do for myself. After all, I do love procrastination. In the end, I'm not sure what makes me act like this, doubt myself like this, and hate myself like this. What I am sure of is that I need to find other things to focus on. Like my real life. Like getting a real job. Like auditioning for plays. Like finding an apartment. Well, I don't have time to do any of that now, as I must prepare for going to Israel (thank you, Birthright) and Baker St's show this week (Ace of Clubs, 9 Great Jones St, NYC, 7pm). With any luck, the answers will come to me in the motherland.

Oh God. It's been a year.

    The title says it all. I can't avoid it any longer. It has been over one year since I graduated from my ivy coated university with a bachelor's degree in two of the most practical and useful subjects in the world: archaeology and American history. Now, all kidding aside, those majors were practically pointless unless I somehow become the female version of Indiana Jones...whose adventures all take place within the confines of our great country. While I'm waiting for that to magically become my life, I have a lot of thinking and exploring to do. This whole year has been about learning what I want to do. So, in this vein, I am writing a list of things I actually did learn this year:

1. How to do my taxes and pay my bills!

2. How to hold down a part time, minimum wage job.

3. How to commute via NJ Transit and the subways.

4. How to be a stage manager.

5. How to throw little children in such a way that it looks like they are doing gymnastics skills.

6. How to fuse together Hamlet and the Sound of Music into one show put on by 8 year-old children.

7. How to deal with 20 phone calls from your parents while out on a first date.

8. How to avoid telling your parents about Shore Party.

9. How to book shows in Manhattan.

10. How to get ripped off by recording studios.

11. How to play as a band.

12. How I probably don't want to be a lawyer.

13. How much I despise most of the Upper East Side and its inhabitants.

14. How much I like plaid. I love wearing it, and always have; but I recently discovered how much I love looking at it. Guys in plaid generally seem more attractive to me. There is clearly something wrong with me.

15. How there are many things wrong with me.

16. How much television I can watch before truly hating myself for being such a lazy person.

17. How I need to fucking move out of my parent's apartment. Like, seriously Lauren. We actually need to get a place next year or I may start pulling my hair out...or patricide-ing all over the place.

18. How much I truly love my friends.

19. How lonely I feel when my friends have actual jobs and I don't.

20. How useless I am at figuring out if men are interested in me. //Kennelly: "Michelle, no dude actively tries to spend time with you who isn't interested" or "Michelle, no dude will come to see your band for a second time unless he's interested...or if he's my friend."

21. Just how much I love Mke Kennelly for his continual existence and his constant reminders that I am crazy...but not as crazy as he is.

22. How much I appreciate all the friends I've made or grown closer with over this year. You know who you are, so I won't list you all (and I bet none of you are actually reading this). However, you make living life a pleasure.

23. How to be a better person, and still not succeed in doing so.

24. That I'm still not an adult. Jesus, look at me. I still look like I'm 16 at best. My maturity level is probably somewhere around there as well.

25. How to survive through what was the toughest year of my life thus far.



________________

    Now, who knows what the next year holds. One thing is for certain: I will be in NYC full time! No more treks back to Jersey every week. I will have different jobs. I will probably get closer with different groups.

But you know what... I'm not petrified this time. I'm excited.