Oh God. It's been a year.

    The title says it all. I can't avoid it any longer. It has been over one year since I graduated from my ivy coated university with a bachelor's degree in two of the most practical and useful subjects in the world: archaeology and American history. Now, all kidding aside, those majors were practically pointless unless I somehow become the female version of Indiana Jones...whose adventures all take place within the confines of our great country. While I'm waiting for that to magically become my life, I have a lot of thinking and exploring to do. This whole year has been about learning what I want to do. So, in this vein, I am writing a list of things I actually did learn this year:

1. How to do my taxes and pay my bills!

2. How to hold down a part time, minimum wage job.

3. How to commute via NJ Transit and the subways.

4. How to be a stage manager.

5. How to throw little children in such a way that it looks like they are doing gymnastics skills.

6. How to fuse together Hamlet and the Sound of Music into one show put on by 8 year-old children.

7. How to deal with 20 phone calls from your parents while out on a first date.

8. How to avoid telling your parents about Shore Party.

9. How to book shows in Manhattan.

10. How to get ripped off by recording studios.

11. How to play as a band.

12. How I probably don't want to be a lawyer.

13. How much I despise most of the Upper East Side and its inhabitants.

14. How much I like plaid. I love wearing it, and always have; but I recently discovered how much I love looking at it. Guys in plaid generally seem more attractive to me. There is clearly something wrong with me.

15. How there are many things wrong with me.

16. How much television I can watch before truly hating myself for being such a lazy person.

17. How I need to fucking move out of my parent's apartment. Like, seriously Lauren. We actually need to get a place next year or I may start pulling my hair out...or patricide-ing all over the place.

18. How much I truly love my friends.

19. How lonely I feel when my friends have actual jobs and I don't.

20. How useless I am at figuring out if men are interested in me. //Kennelly: "Michelle, no dude actively tries to spend time with you who isn't interested" or "Michelle, no dude will come to see your band for a second time unless he's interested...or if he's my friend."

21. Just how much I love Mke Kennelly for his continual existence and his constant reminders that I am crazy...but not as crazy as he is.

22. How much I appreciate all the friends I've made or grown closer with over this year. You know who you are, so I won't list you all (and I bet none of you are actually reading this). However, you make living life a pleasure.

23. How to be a better person, and still not succeed in doing so.

24. That I'm still not an adult. Jesus, look at me. I still look like I'm 16 at best. My maturity level is probably somewhere around there as well.

25. How to survive through what was the toughest year of my life thus far.



________________

    Now, who knows what the next year holds. One thing is for certain: I will be in NYC full time! No more treks back to Jersey every week. I will have different jobs. I will probably get closer with different groups.

But you know what... I'm not petrified this time. I'm excited.

Days of Trepidation

So, the beginning of this first year in the real world was really tough for me. With my profound lack of direction, I found myself listless, and even, at times, depressed about my life's aimlessness.

In this period, one night, I decided to start writing a screenplay about what I was going through. Needless to say, it was ludicrously melodramatic. Now, looking back on it, I realize that it is truly and completely hilarious. I am posting it for you all (aka- the 2 friends who will look at this in the next year) so that you can appreciate the hilarity. Enjoy.

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"Days of Trepidation"
Scene 1



We first encounter our heroine, Michelle, sitting on the front steps of a middle-class house, on a middle-class street. She stares blankly ahead as if paralyzed, but suddenly lies down, and we see her from above. She is attractive, but not overtly so. She is dressed in ratty jeans that are far too large for her small frame, and a t-shirt from a concert she went to.



Michelle: Does anyone ever think about what happens to those successful, straight-A high school students? Yes, they go on to great colleges, where they learn all they can feast their minds on, meet others who were also straight-A students and did a thousand extra-curricular activities, and have plenty of less straight-laced fun. But, what happens when that day arrives that these straight-A students are no longer students? They followed the plan laid out by society: do well in high school, go to a great college, then be successful and change the world. It seems that this plan is missing many steps after going to college but before being successful enough to impact the world around you.



What do you do after you are no longer a straight-A student? What do you do when you are good at just about everything you do? How does someone decide what path to take when all paths lay at their feet? This is the overwhelming, depressing, and frightening problem of endless possibility.



There is no such thing as a right or wrong answer, no confines, no structure with which to guide oneself. Make a decision, and you’ll probably end up regretting it later anyway; who can think of one adult who does not constantly complain about their work? To be at the edge of the mesa of education, childhood, and safety, jumping off of the cliff into the so-called “real world”. Instead, I choose to stay at the edge, precariously hanging over; not making a decision which will lean me forward or backward. How should I figure out what to do?



Her mother peers her head out of the screen door



Mother: Michelle, did you organize all the clothing in your room?



Michelle: Not yet, Mom. I’ll do it later.



Mother: You always say you’ll do it later. Just get it done, you’ll feel better. Oh, and clean out the dishwasher, I am making dinner and I need some clean pans.



Michelle: Ok, Mom.



To the camera again

My parents are so supportive of my coming home and taking a year off to be a musician and figure out my life, but being home is the most oppressive situation I can imagine. I love my family, but it’s as if I’m in high school again, except that I sit at home all day and have nothing to do with my life.



(While unloading dishwasher) Most people I know, myself included, tend to say things like, “My life sucks”, or the ever-popular, “Fuck my life!” Even while saying these things, we all understand that we are some of the most privileged, lucky people on earth. We are part of the American intelligentsia, and while this may be mocked severely by most of Europe, it does mean that we are some of the most intellectually capable people in the world. And what am I choosing to do with this precious cranial commodity that I possess? I am performing my own music and auditioning to do theater in New York City.



My life is at a fucking standstill, and I hate every minute of it. I am paralyzed with fear of moving in any direction, for it could be wrong.





Cut to the dinner table; family is eating dinner.



Father: Michelle, you know you are really wasting your time watching those TV shows. The anime is the worst. You are wasting your life away with that.



Michelle: What’s so wrong with watching shows? They fill up my days when I have nothing to do!



Mom: Well you could be doing things like organizing the clothing in your room, or cleaning the house. If you have your space ordered, you will feel better.



Michelle: How do you know that? Nothing makes me feel better nowadays except for distracting myself with the “stupid” TV shows. That’s the only time I don’t feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time!



Mom: Why are you underwhelmed, you could be doing so many things.



Michelle: Like what? What can you think of that would take the entire day to accomplish and wouldn’t be wasting my life away?



Mom: You could volunteer, or get a job.



Michelle: What if it turns out that I hate working, and that I am just lazy. Maybe I’ll be one of those pathetic people who live with their parents until they're 30.



Mom: That’s just not you, Michelle.



Michelle: But how do you know that?! What if I just suck at everything, like I sucked at my internship last summer? What if I hate all forms of work and cannot make myself do it?



Mom: You had a bad boss at that internship, and you obviously got through college with a good GPA, so you are capable of doing work.



Michelle: My GPA is crap. It’s nothing like when I was in high school.



Mom: Well, yes. Because you went to an Ivy League University, you were competing with the top one per cent of college students. The fact that you did well is a testament to how smart you are.



Michelle: No. It’s all fake. I just suck. At everything. I wish I knew what I wanted in life, but everything just seems so meaningless.



Mom: You really have to stop being so dramatic, Michelle. You intended to take a year off, so stop getting upset about it. You were expecting to be in this position this year.



Michelle: I decided to take the year off because of the fact that after the first three years of college, I still had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life! I feel like nothing will change that. Maybe I just doubt myself too much. Maybe….I don’t know.



Michelle walks around her small town, stops in at a few stores, and then wanders into a new bakery

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Clearly I never got past the first two pages. But wow, was I ridiculous.

Absence

    So much has happened in my life over the last few months that I find it difficult to chronicle it all; even in this easy format. Since my last post, I have been to 3 different countries, had 3 unexpected subway hang-outs, cooked and eaten 1 waterfowl (and was attacked by another, and fell in love with a third), played 1 show, booked 4 more, had 1 spontaneous bluegrass jam session, hung with 4 ex-boyfriends in a 2 day period (and sneaked a date somewhere in between), bumped into 1 guy I was seeing on a date with someone else, decided to leave my New Jersey job next year, found 2 potential roommates, had 1 website and album debut, and auditioned for a role on Glee.

    Boy, I'm glad I got that all off my chest. My trip was to England and France, and it was incredible. I spent 8 days with one of my best friends whom I never get to see due to her enlistment in the United States Air Force. I love her. Especially when she tries to impersonate a Cockatoo to a Cockatoo in a public space. I miss her so much it hurts. Then, of course, we went to Paris, where I spent time with my friend from college and also got to meet up, briefly, with a friend from high school. Meandering the streets of Paris is a pastime of mine...if something done twice in one's life can be considered a pastime.

    Perhaps the greatest moment in Paris was on the final night, where my USAF friend and I decided to go to a Japanese restaurant in the Saint Germain section of Paris near L'Opera. We had the entertaining task of explaining to the waiter my food allergies. Now, for some reason, every time I am in a foreign country I assume that Asian people there speak English. In my silly mind, all Asian people are Asian-Americans, so of course they speak English. When they speak only French and Japanese, it boggles my fragile mind. Once we came to the conclusion that we did not speak a language in common, my friend and I tried, somewhat pathetically, to get our waitress to understand my food issues. I said 'lait...no'. My friend tried to throw the French word for sick along with the words for milk, butter, etc. However, it was to no avail. Finally, I remembered the word for peanut (a useful thing for an allergic person to know), and she gave an understanding, 'ohhhh'. It was clear we had finally bridged the language gap. Thank goodness she brought us some beer after that. It definitely helped with the embarrassment that our joint French deserved.

    I was truly sad to go. The English countryside is beautiful; especially if you loved "Trogdor" in middle school. There are thatched roofs everywhere. And the archaeologist living inside of me was screaming with delight when seeing houses and castles from the 1200s all over. There are also sheep lurking in every pasture. And let me tell you, there are lots of pastures. It's practically all pastures with the exception of the occasional thatched roof cottage/mansion. I will never forget my time there, and I will certainly not forget the day we went to Leeds Castle in Kent. The 3 hour car ride that should have been 1 hour; the torrential downpour we had to walk in to get to the castle; screaming, "we fucking hate Kent" at the top of our lungs; the goose/German attack; and then the beautiful sun coming out as we walked around the rest of the grounds. I also won't forget finding the love of our lives at 221b Baker St.

    I can't think of a better way to spend a vacation. Thanks, Maddie and Allie.

    As for other things, they come, they go. The band has a few big shows coming up. We now have a real and functional website (www.bakerstband.com). Our album can be downloaded for free. We're going to make a music video this summer. We're also going to record a 'single' which is, in actuality, 2 songs. The music business is odd, but I think I may potentially be starting to sort of figure it out.

    We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I'm going to get a few real-er jobs so that I can get a place with some friends in the city rather than continually mooch off of my parents. I'm hoping that will make me need to be more responsible/effective as a human being.

P.S.-I promise to start posting more, and to start posting some more interesting things.