Oh, brain, why must you do that?

So, not to be entirely depressive, but do you ever hate yourself? I mean, as a general rule, I'm pretty satisfied with myself in spite of my lack of direction, a job, or an apartment without parents/siblings. However, there is one time I have noted distinctively and repeatedly despising myself: when I am in a relationship. I understand that this is an awful thing to say (sorry to any ex-boyfriends who may read this); but this is not about the other person. It is just me. Every time I've gotten out of a relationship, I have, eventually, felt the relief of returning to my natural state. Caring for someone else takes a great toll; especially when it is not reciprocated in full. Every time I have let myself care about someone, I always end up with the same realization: the person was not worth my time, and I had spent months bending myself to follow his every whim.

The real question I begin to ask myself is, why do I do this? I grew up in a pretty modern household. Both of my parents work full-time, lofty jobs. My mother and father both did the traditional "housewife" tasks necessary for the upkeep of our lives. In fact, my father probably cleaned the dishes and house ten times more than my mother had even thought of cleaning at all. My mother handles all of the finances. In reality, I guess the roles are almost switched. So, what makes me act like some pathetic, dependent, idiotic housewife when I'm in a relationship?

I don't really have an answer to that question, and it frustrates me. Perhaps I'm so convinced that the other person is going to stop caring about me, that I feel I have to keep convincing them to like me. Or, maybe I focus all of my energy on the other person to avoid thinking about things I need to do for myself. After all, I do love procrastination. In the end, I'm not sure what makes me act like this, doubt myself like this, and hate myself like this. What I am sure of is that I need to find other things to focus on. Like my real life. Like getting a real job. Like auditioning for plays. Like finding an apartment. Well, I don't have time to do any of that now, as I must prepare for going to Israel (thank you, Birthright) and Baker St's show this week (Ace of Clubs, 9 Great Jones St, NYC, 7pm). With any luck, the answers will come to me in the motherland.