Days of Trepidation

So, the beginning of this first year in the real world was really tough for me. With my profound lack of direction, I found myself listless, and even, at times, depressed about my life's aimlessness.

In this period, one night, I decided to start writing a screenplay about what I was going through. Needless to say, it was ludicrously melodramatic. Now, looking back on it, I realize that it is truly and completely hilarious. I am posting it for you all (aka- the 2 friends who will look at this in the next year) so that you can appreciate the hilarity. Enjoy.

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"Days of Trepidation"
Scene 1



We first encounter our heroine, Michelle, sitting on the front steps of a middle-class house, on a middle-class street. She stares blankly ahead as if paralyzed, but suddenly lies down, and we see her from above. She is attractive, but not overtly so. She is dressed in ratty jeans that are far too large for her small frame, and a t-shirt from a concert she went to.



Michelle: Does anyone ever think about what happens to those successful, straight-A high school students? Yes, they go on to great colleges, where they learn all they can feast their minds on, meet others who were also straight-A students and did a thousand extra-curricular activities, and have plenty of less straight-laced fun. But, what happens when that day arrives that these straight-A students are no longer students? They followed the plan laid out by society: do well in high school, go to a great college, then be successful and change the world. It seems that this plan is missing many steps after going to college but before being successful enough to impact the world around you.



What do you do after you are no longer a straight-A student? What do you do when you are good at just about everything you do? How does someone decide what path to take when all paths lay at their feet? This is the overwhelming, depressing, and frightening problem of endless possibility.



There is no such thing as a right or wrong answer, no confines, no structure with which to guide oneself. Make a decision, and you’ll probably end up regretting it later anyway; who can think of one adult who does not constantly complain about their work? To be at the edge of the mesa of education, childhood, and safety, jumping off of the cliff into the so-called “real world”. Instead, I choose to stay at the edge, precariously hanging over; not making a decision which will lean me forward or backward. How should I figure out what to do?



Her mother peers her head out of the screen door



Mother: Michelle, did you organize all the clothing in your room?



Michelle: Not yet, Mom. I’ll do it later.



Mother: You always say you’ll do it later. Just get it done, you’ll feel better. Oh, and clean out the dishwasher, I am making dinner and I need some clean pans.



Michelle: Ok, Mom.



To the camera again

My parents are so supportive of my coming home and taking a year off to be a musician and figure out my life, but being home is the most oppressive situation I can imagine. I love my family, but it’s as if I’m in high school again, except that I sit at home all day and have nothing to do with my life.



(While unloading dishwasher) Most people I know, myself included, tend to say things like, “My life sucks”, or the ever-popular, “Fuck my life!” Even while saying these things, we all understand that we are some of the most privileged, lucky people on earth. We are part of the American intelligentsia, and while this may be mocked severely by most of Europe, it does mean that we are some of the most intellectually capable people in the world. And what am I choosing to do with this precious cranial commodity that I possess? I am performing my own music and auditioning to do theater in New York City.



My life is at a fucking standstill, and I hate every minute of it. I am paralyzed with fear of moving in any direction, for it could be wrong.





Cut to the dinner table; family is eating dinner.



Father: Michelle, you know you are really wasting your time watching those TV shows. The anime is the worst. You are wasting your life away with that.



Michelle: What’s so wrong with watching shows? They fill up my days when I have nothing to do!



Mom: Well you could be doing things like organizing the clothing in your room, or cleaning the house. If you have your space ordered, you will feel better.



Michelle: How do you know that? Nothing makes me feel better nowadays except for distracting myself with the “stupid” TV shows. That’s the only time I don’t feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time!



Mom: Why are you underwhelmed, you could be doing so many things.



Michelle: Like what? What can you think of that would take the entire day to accomplish and wouldn’t be wasting my life away?



Mom: You could volunteer, or get a job.



Michelle: What if it turns out that I hate working, and that I am just lazy. Maybe I’ll be one of those pathetic people who live with their parents until they're 30.



Mom: That’s just not you, Michelle.



Michelle: But how do you know that?! What if I just suck at everything, like I sucked at my internship last summer? What if I hate all forms of work and cannot make myself do it?



Mom: You had a bad boss at that internship, and you obviously got through college with a good GPA, so you are capable of doing work.



Michelle: My GPA is crap. It’s nothing like when I was in high school.



Mom: Well, yes. Because you went to an Ivy League University, you were competing with the top one per cent of college students. The fact that you did well is a testament to how smart you are.



Michelle: No. It’s all fake. I just suck. At everything. I wish I knew what I wanted in life, but everything just seems so meaningless.



Mom: You really have to stop being so dramatic, Michelle. You intended to take a year off, so stop getting upset about it. You were expecting to be in this position this year.



Michelle: I decided to take the year off because of the fact that after the first three years of college, I still had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life! I feel like nothing will change that. Maybe I just doubt myself too much. Maybe….I don’t know.



Michelle walks around her small town, stops in at a few stores, and then wanders into a new bakery

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Clearly I never got past the first two pages. But wow, was I ridiculous.

Absence

    So much has happened in my life over the last few months that I find it difficult to chronicle it all; even in this easy format. Since my last post, I have been to 3 different countries, had 3 unexpected subway hang-outs, cooked and eaten 1 waterfowl (and was attacked by another, and fell in love with a third), played 1 show, booked 4 more, had 1 spontaneous bluegrass jam session, hung with 4 ex-boyfriends in a 2 day period (and sneaked a date somewhere in between), bumped into 1 guy I was seeing on a date with someone else, decided to leave my New Jersey job next year, found 2 potential roommates, had 1 website and album debut, and auditioned for a role on Glee.

    Boy, I'm glad I got that all off my chest. My trip was to England and France, and it was incredible. I spent 8 days with one of my best friends whom I never get to see due to her enlistment in the United States Air Force. I love her. Especially when she tries to impersonate a Cockatoo to a Cockatoo in a public space. I miss her so much it hurts. Then, of course, we went to Paris, where I spent time with my friend from college and also got to meet up, briefly, with a friend from high school. Meandering the streets of Paris is a pastime of mine...if something done twice in one's life can be considered a pastime.

    Perhaps the greatest moment in Paris was on the final night, where my USAF friend and I decided to go to a Japanese restaurant in the Saint Germain section of Paris near L'Opera. We had the entertaining task of explaining to the waiter my food allergies. Now, for some reason, every time I am in a foreign country I assume that Asian people there speak English. In my silly mind, all Asian people are Asian-Americans, so of course they speak English. When they speak only French and Japanese, it boggles my fragile mind. Once we came to the conclusion that we did not speak a language in common, my friend and I tried, somewhat pathetically, to get our waitress to understand my food issues. I said 'lait...no'. My friend tried to throw the French word for sick along with the words for milk, butter, etc. However, it was to no avail. Finally, I remembered the word for peanut (a useful thing for an allergic person to know), and she gave an understanding, 'ohhhh'. It was clear we had finally bridged the language gap. Thank goodness she brought us some beer after that. It definitely helped with the embarrassment that our joint French deserved.

    I was truly sad to go. The English countryside is beautiful; especially if you loved "Trogdor" in middle school. There are thatched roofs everywhere. And the archaeologist living inside of me was screaming with delight when seeing houses and castles from the 1200s all over. There are also sheep lurking in every pasture. And let me tell you, there are lots of pastures. It's practically all pastures with the exception of the occasional thatched roof cottage/mansion. I will never forget my time there, and I will certainly not forget the day we went to Leeds Castle in Kent. The 3 hour car ride that should have been 1 hour; the torrential downpour we had to walk in to get to the castle; screaming, "we fucking hate Kent" at the top of our lungs; the goose/German attack; and then the beautiful sun coming out as we walked around the rest of the grounds. I also won't forget finding the love of our lives at 221b Baker St.

    I can't think of a better way to spend a vacation. Thanks, Maddie and Allie.

    As for other things, they come, they go. The band has a few big shows coming up. We now have a real and functional website (www.bakerstband.com). Our album can be downloaded for free. We're going to make a music video this summer. We're also going to record a 'single' which is, in actuality, 2 songs. The music business is odd, but I think I may potentially be starting to sort of figure it out.

    We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I'm going to get a few real-er jobs so that I can get a place with some friends in the city rather than continually mooch off of my parents. I'm hoping that will make me need to be more responsible/effective as a human being.

P.S.-I promise to start posting more, and to start posting some more interesting things.

Productivity, productivity, productivity!

    Somehow, it sounds like I do a lot when I explain how I have spent my day to others. And yet, I feel like the laziest person on Earth. Why is it so hard to completely fill my days when I don't have school?

    In musical news, I am in the process of booking shows for April and May. Ideally, we will have at least 5 shows in those two months; but alas, the people who handle booking tend to be slow to respond. So, for right now, we have no new shows lined up, which saddens me greatly. On the other end of the spectrum, I have been writing bits and pieces of new songs practically every day for the last week. I've had some great inspiration: seeing a few concerts, listening to some new music, playing a lot with a new friend, being happy partly as a result of that friend and also because of the incredible weather these last few days. New York City has been beautiful. I spent most of the day walking around the Upper West Side.

    A lot of the stress in my life seems to have dissipated thanks to all of the positivity flooding into my life. The Baker St show in Brooklyn was amazing, and really a turning point for the band. We had incredible response including teary-eyed professions of the beauty of my music, a request to be on a radio show, a glowing concert review, and a piece of paper full of new fans. A girl even used my lyrics as her myspace status! None of these people were required to like the band. They actually really liked my music. I am still flabbergasted.

    Here's to hoping that things stay this way or even progress!

Baker St: The Spring of Collaborations

    Baker St, my band, is having a show today, March 5th at Vox Pop Cafe in Brooklyn. We are playing with Tony Gong, a folk musician. It should be fun. I rearranged some songs to be appropriate for a cafe and am even doing a short acoustic set by myself. It's been a while since I've done that, so I'm looking forward to it.

    I am also in the process of putting together a show with two other Columbia bands at Fat Baby on the Lower East Side. We're going to rehearse together so that we can incorporate other bands' members into some songs in each set, and at the end we'll do one giant song with everybody. It should be pretty sweet. I'm stoked. At first I tried to get five bands together, but that epically failed. No one responded to my emails, and then the guy who deals with booking was frustrated. Then we played Columbia's Battle of the Bands, where we met many other Columbia bands. We really liked two of them (The Tendencies and Flink) and asked them to play this show with us.

    So it seems like the spring of collaborations. With collaboration come cross-promotion, and any promotion is good, so this seems to be an excellent plan. We've also found a few potential people to add to the band...guitarists/singers/pianists. I don't like the world of super professional musicians, but I do love this world that I am in. People without record deals, without big followings. Just people who love to produce something outside of themselves as a means of expression. They do it for fun as they struggle to meet minimum requirements at bar gigs, and scrape by with their meager, minimum wage jobs. This is the time to try to be musicians, artists, playwrights, and actors! There's always time to go become a doctor/lawyer/banker/professor. But you cannot always do what we are doing now. That's the beauty of being young and having this time of freedom after college.

    In the world of my actual jobs, I have to figure out how to make a version of Hamlet for 2nd graders. I asked my class what plays they wanted to work on this year, and it ended with twenty 8 year-olds chanting "HAM-LET, HAM-LET!" So, this is going to be interesting. If anyone reads this* and has any suggestions, please comment below!

    So things are getting pretty exciting. I need to get going on some things for the band like getting our CDs printed, booking more shows for April and May, etc. I also really need to start studying for the LSAT. I need to take it so I can apply and potentially be back in school in the fall of 2011. This is necessary as preparation for my future, which I've never been good at. I'm good at getting things done that need to be done for the next day, but not the next year, two years, or decade. I get overwhelmed too easily. But this is not a big deal. It's just a test. I'll take it, and decide what to do when the time comes for applications. I want to have to option of applying this fall. I have so much I could be doing, but I'm still a lazy slob. I need to get out of that mode.

    In any case, the show tomorrow should be fun, with a whole new audience (provided BY the venue, as in, we didn't have to promote ourselves!). Yay for a step up in the world!

*I do understand that no one reads this. I am not that much of a delusional egomaniac.

Year 1, Day 1

      Life. It's never as simple as it seems, and at the same time, it's just as simple as it seems. You work hard in school so you can go to a good college. Once you are there, you find a major that you intend follow through to graduation. Then you are supposed to get a job based on that major, or you may continue with you eduction by going to graduate school. But what happens when you jump off the train tracks? What happens when that Ivy League education may have been a waste? By the end, your majors seemed unappealing; you have no desire to work in those fields. So, rather than continue on in something that will make you at the worst, miserable, and at the best, bored, you decide to jump off the tracks.

      Diving into life post-college is traumatic enough having a life plan in place. The idea of leaving college without any direction causes pangs of nausea induced by fear every time it enters your mind. Now, you live at home and begin to meander into the real world, with trepidation, trying your hand at as many things as you can with the desperate hope that you will find that thing that will drive and inspire you.

      It's funny that I'm choosing to write a blog. I hate blogs. I am no part of the blogging community. And yet, something about the process seems very appealing to me at this stage of my life. I feel the need to chronicle my ludicrous, failed, boring, and incredible attempts to find that thing that I want to do with my life. I titled this blog "Guitars and Flips: Life, Year 1" because this really feels like the first year of my real life as an...oh God, I don't want to say it...adult. I am currently a musician and an actor, but I try my hand at anything that comes my way. I work two days a week as a gymnastics coach in New Jersey, near my parents' house. I also teach theater to public school children in an afterschool program in Manhattan, right near my parents' brand new apartment. I also intern at Serious Business Records in SoHo. I recently worked in various capacities on an Off-Broadway play, which is why Ethan Hawke recognizes my face (he directed the show in the theater above mine). My band, Baker St, has a few shows every month around New York City. Clearly, my life is as piecemeal and varied as a Kandinsky painting. This is why I need to write down all the things that happen in this time. This is potentially the prime of my life. I am twenty-two, single, have minimal expenses, and live in Manhattan! The world is my oyster!

      Which is exactly the problem. I went to an incredible college, have supportive parents and lots of talents. What do I pick and how long will it take me to regret what I've picked? I have always thought too much and now I have the time to really let my brain spin out of control. There are too many potential paths! Too many options I may pass up that would be better! I like too many things to settle down into one career. How can I possibly find my way with all of this clutter in my brain?

      To end on a lighter note, this year, while stressful and depressing at times, has actually been incredible thus far; and I am sure I will miss all this free time when it is gone. I get to focus my life on music, acting, singing, athletics, dance, LSAT books, and most importantly, my friends and family. I see friends, go out, meet new people, and just have an awesome time. All I can do is try many things and see what sticks. With any luck, I will find something that eventually sticks. So here's to my life, year 1; and here's to you, the imaginary people who are not reading these words!